Friday, November 9, 2012

If I Die Young

If I die young, bury me in satin.
 Lay me down on a bed of roses. 
Sink me in the river at dawn. 
Send me away with the words of a love song. 
The sharp knife of a short life.
-The Band Perry
I've always loved the song above but ever since my accident it's become more poignant. A year ago I wrote my first very emotional post on this blog, it was called God be with you till we meet again. It shared the story of a wonderful boy who touched lives and yet made the decision to take his own. Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of his death. 

I remember feelings of grief and sadness after hearing that he passed but ever since my own brush with death I can't seem to get him out of my mind. 

Shortly after my accident I had counselors and doctors telling how miraculous it was that I was alive. How I had everything going against me. They called me a walking miracle. I've never liked to be the center of attention, so instead of acknowledging my own close call, I would just undermined it. I was convinced that I really wasn't "that close" to dying, that people were just blowing it out of proportion.

I don't know what happened in the moments right before and after my accident, when I was my own. I do know that when I was found, I was unusually calm and collected. Sometimes I like to think, I was given comfort by those who are no longer among us. 

"The sharp knife of a short life" I remember vividly the reaction that my little sister and my mother had when her best friend died. I went to the viewing with my sister, I remember seeing his parents and his siblings. Four months ago, it should have been me lying in that casket. 

I've imagined how it would be. I know that sounds morbid and depressing, but for me it's not. I can now say my life revolves around one specific point in time. The person I was before my accident, and the person I am now. Nothing, to date, has changed my life like that, I'm not sure anything will. 

Before the accident, I was sure of my own youth and strength. I was guilty of thinking "that couldn't possibly happen to me." I was healthy, I was strong, and in my eyes I was invincible. Now I know that my days are numbered.

But I know it in a good way. Now I know to appreciate my husband more than I ever have before. Now I know to see the strength in the people that surround me. Now I know to appreciate my body, this amazing gift that has been given to me, and to never abuse it. Now I know that whenever it comes time for me to leave this world I will be able to look back and know that I lived a life that made me happy.

When asked about writing the song "If I Die Young" the band said-

"We wanted to write a song about making the most of whatever time you're given -- whether it's two years, twenty years or two hundred.

We really have gotten to live and love at our young ages. 'If I Die Young,' for us, is about if it all ends at this moment, look at what we've gotten to do. Whatever time we're given will be absolutely enough as long as we make the most of it." {source}

That sums up my feelings about this song to a T.  I've always been drawn to music and I have specific songs that I tie to the milestones in  my life. There have been a few songs to help me through the last few months but this one has been the most poetic. 

I haven't been the best at writing my story lately, manly because most of the time I don't know what to write. Be patient with me, while I fumble around and try to find the words to describe everything that has happened and my feelings.


For more information on the accident as well as updates check my Road to Recovery Page


Maureen Hayes said...

You shouldn't feel the need to apologize for anything! If you want to share more of your story, we are here, if you choose not to talk about it, we are here. No one who hasn't walked through what you have can ever truly understand because they haven't livd it.

I live with chronic illness and I learned this the hard way. I kept expecting people to understand, but they just cannot understand what it is like because they haven't experienced it.

You are loved and prayed for, but you are also allowed to have any feelings you like. It is your life, your feelings and we must respect that. I fear I am not expressing this well. . .

Anyway, I am so glad you are here to share your story and I wish you nothing but happy and healthy days ahead.

Love and prayers,

Vanessa @ Our Thrifty Ideas said...

I love this post. Every single thing about it. Your honesty, your true self, your fear and your strength.
Thank you so much for opening up and letting us learn and grow in life thru your experience.

4 You With Love said...

Kari, you are a beautiful writer and true inspiration!